Lest You Think I Can Always Laugh…

Another blogger the other day was talking about how she always tried to keep her emotions out of her blog, making it upbeat and positive.  She figured that no one wanted to read a downer of a blog, so real life in it’s predictable unpredictableness just didn’t fit in.

I get that.  I sometimes feel like if I allow myself to go there, I might fall down a dark hole I’d never get out of.  But as she so eloquently pointed out, sometimes it just ain’t happening.

And the problem with that is, it presents a false “us” as it were.  A person who people think they can’t relate to, because they always seem to have things under control.

Well, I’m going to share with you the other side of me.

It started with trying to put an add into the Daily Oklahoman for my dad’s truck to sell.  How hard can that be?  I should have known when I looked on line and did not find autos in the classifieds that it wasn’t going to be easy.  I finally saw they had a separate section for cars.  I started my ad, going through the steps that asked first for my information, then the car information.  Finally I come to the page where it asks for me to select the package I want.  There is one that will run the add for 30 days with 8 photo uploads for only 9.00 extra.  I check the box, and move to the next page where I’m supposed to check the dates on a calendar for the add to run.  Only there is no calendar.

I try another computer–one that isn’t mac (thinking maybe it’s a flash thing).  Nope.  Still no calendar.  I make 3-yes-THREE phone calls to finally get someone on the line who says it’s working on HIS end.  I should log out, log in and start over.

I do.  Same results.  Increasingly frustrated, I call AGAIN.  I get a lady on the phone who says she can help me over the phone.  FINE, I say slightly perturbed.  I grab my wallet, give her the info and say I want the deal that gives me 30 days.  She claims she can’t do that.  I’m annoyed and asks how can she not give me the same package that’s offered on the web site.  She hangs up on me.  90 minutes have gone by.  I come in from the front porch, calmly shut the door and have the presence of mind to gently lay the phone down.  My wallet?  Not so lucky.  I hurled it across the house–and screamed.  I thought this would make me feel better.  It didn’t, so I screamed again.  And again.  And again.  Then I went to the garage and after slamming that door as hard as I could, I screamed yet again.  No words, just screaming.  I then got in my car and sobbed.

Roughly 20 seconds later, hubs comes into the garage (the boys were gone) opens the car door and says, “Going somewhere?”

I then proceeded to tell him that I was tired of hitting brick walls (O.K., I had some colorful words in there as well) and wanted to know why this dark schleprock cloud followed me everywhere for ALL of my life!  Why couldn’t one thing, just one, be simple and easy to solve.  Instead, everything has to be as complex as it can possibly be, and I was completely out of patience and desperately lacking in coping skills.  I feel like a drowning person with no life jacket.  I went inside, and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore, while hubs pointed out that I was going to let something that wasn’t really that important in the scheme of life take 5 years off of it.  He’s right, of course, but it didn’t cure my feelings and make me suddenly happy.

The next day (which was Wednesday), I resolved to log on again.  I picked a different package with one photo upload, and this time got a calendar.  It said I would get a link at the end to upload the photo.  Of course when they had my money, I still had no photo upload link.  This required one email, and two more phone calls, whereupon the girl on the other end says, “I know you can’t see a confirmation that the photo uploaded, but it did.”  I’m happy to say, I did not scream.  I did not use bright and colorful vocabulary.  I didn’t even get sarcastic–not that I didn’t want to.  I simply asked for confirmation.

Mission accomplished with a MAXIMUM of torture.  I have given my anxiety a lot of thought in the last week.  When I returned from vacation, there was a message on the phone reporting that my brother is now in jail, and will be for who knows how long.  I can’t say I’m surprised, but I realized yesterday that the person I really needed to talk to, the person that I always connected with especially about my brother, was my dad.  He could always talk about him, or anything, really.  And now he’s gone.  And that, I think, is what’s eating me.

I decided what I needed was to go to mass, so I looked up the times of my church for weekday liturgy.  12:15, perfect.  Except when I arrived, the church was empty and there was no mass.  Dear God, I stopped by for a chat, but you weren’t home…

Schleprock, I’m begging you.  Please go away.

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36 Responses to Lest You Think I Can Always Laugh…

  1. Barneysday says:

    There are those days where only a rant will do. I know the feeling, and I bet most of us do at one time or another. You’ve had the courage to put into wods what many have felt. Thanks for sharing

    • Thank you! It’s so nice to hear you say that. I always wonder after I hit that publish button if people are going to read it and say, “Eww! Crazy woman on board.” I always feel better when I hear other people can at least feel like blowing a gasket once in a while. I also wonder what is happening to our work ethic. Whenever I have these experiences, all I can think is, so many people are desperate for a job, all the people who do a crappy job because they don’t care should give their job to someone for whom it would mean something, you know? Just my two cents…

      • Barneysday says:

        I’ve certainly thought the same way regarding how people do their jobs. But I usually back away, because I believe companies these days are putting so much pressure on employees to do more with less, that even those with a good work ethic who want to stand tall, eventually get beaten down by misplaced managements number of calls answered per hour, or average length on hold, or number of hang-ups in a call center, for example. When I wait an inordinate amount of time on hold, hearing just how important my call is to them, after I let loose the scream like you mention, above, I realize that the call center has likely just cut their staff once again in the name of efficiency. Bottom line, as you’ve experienced, companies don’t really care that much about customers or customer service, just how to get the most $$$$ with the least investment.

        See? You got me to add my two cents, also. One more commentator, and we can buy a nickel soda!!

      • Well, you are probably right about that. Still boils to the same thing, which is, what a sad state of affairs our world has become…

      • Barneysday says:

        No question, and as much as I enjoyed my career and all I learned, I’m glad to be at the end, instead of the beginning. Good luck

      • No question. Life was better in the 70’s, even without all the conveniences.

      • Barneysday says:

        I’m not sure they are all “conveniences,” but thats a subject thats been beaten to death.

      • Isn’t that the truth–both points.

  2. I’m right there with you Arnel. I can’t tell you how many times I have picked up the phone to call my Dad with a question only he can answer, and realize I can’t call him anymore. Little things build and build and I take them as long as I can with a happy face. All it takes is a tiny little frustration to send me over the edge sometimes and then my boys think I’ve completely lost it over nothing. Oh well….it’s how I cope I guess.

    Just a note about truth in writing. I had a creative writing teacher one time (one of the best I ever had) who told me that writers who can tap into that dark place of pain and convey that emotion on paper have the strongest work. It doesn’t mean we have to wallow in a depression on the paper, but people, our readers, know when something doesn’t ring true. I think it’s important to reveal that truth and to allow others to know they are not alone in their own feelings.

    You wrote the perfect piece for me to read today. Thank you.

    • I’ve wondered daily how you are doing. How you are feeling. What you do with your feelings. I hesitate to write about it too often, lest it become a turnoff. Plus, there is a fear I will fall into wallowing. I do think it’s true what your teacher said. To be able to tap into that will give the edge of being able to ring true, and bring the reader into your world and your feelings. It’s a valuable thing to be able to do. I cried when I wrote the end of that post. That one little last paragraph. It just felt so raw–like I was finally thinking about something that I’d been denying. Not intentionally, but more along the lines of, well, he’s gone and you can’t change it, move on. But the line of thought doesn’t give a chance for feeling pain and dealing with it.

      It’s funny, cause that’s how I was Yesterday, with the boys, and they even said, “what’s the matter with you? You’re upset over nothing!” I wanted the house cleaned up, and was snapping at them about it. They couldn’t figure it out! 🙂 But I did get a clean house out of it.

      Thanks you for the kind thoughts. Wishing you peace.

  3. Ive had similar incidents and it really drive you up a wall and make you want to scream.
    Good luck getting the car sold.

  4. robincoyle says:

    What an annoying, stressful mess. How nice that you turned to the church for support. God wasn’t home? I bet he heard your prayers tho.

    This too shall pass.

  5. Oh I can so identify with trying to do bookings of things online….and/or on the phone with voice mail. It indeed can be so frustrating especially when you need to try it two, three and four times…And then the person hanging up on you….While I know we shouldn’t let these things spiral in our mind out of control…it happens. Glad you ‘finally’ got it done and in the end realized it was more than the one issue that caused you so much distress…Take care…Diane

  6. terry1954 says:

    i am sorry that something that should have been so simple turned into havoc. i hate days like this, but the worst thing that interrupts my day is talking to a business person on the phone, trying to get them to see my point, only realizing they know only the limited that they are taught. they have no broad minds, but limited to the most popular questions

    • Oh, I know you have had more than your fair share of this. It’s really hard for me because I just don’t think people are trained in customer service like they used to be. I worked retail, for businesses, and finally in the medical profession, and I can’t even fathom the way people treat customers these days–it wasn’t a method I was ever taught. If you don’t’ know the answer, find the answer in a timely manner, and say so. Be helpful and curteous. Is it any wonder businesses are floundering? It boggles the mind…

      • terry1954 says:

        this is the way i was trained also, and this is why i made the remark they are trained and know only the training, not the broad aspects of the business

      • It seems like common sense to me. I just don’t get why it’s so hard for these people.

      • terry1954 says:

        people don’t look outside the box, and also do not respect and have a clue about their job, just my thoughts

      • Well, see Barneysday comment on his theory. He’s probably right. Employees are treated poorly, and as well all know, crap runs down hill. The consumer, is standing at the bottom. Still, I can’t imagine treating the customer poorly even if my job sucked.

      • terry1954 says:

        i totally agree, i try to give people credit, like poor pay, bad hours, not allowing them to really love their job, but these outside factors do seem to trickle down to the consumer. it is like us. if we are in a bad mood, it can trickle to another human and take away their good spirit, but when it comes to a job, we should all do our best, and if we don’t like our job and it could hurt or affect others, maybe it is time to look else where

      • I agree. I think we have to have some accountability. Otherwise, we are enablers.

  7. jmgoyder says:

    I am so glad you wrote this because so many of us can identify with these feelings and experiences so bravo for your honesty.

  8. deniz says:

    Aww, if I’d known… I went to mass this morning before work. {{hugs}}

    • Well, I was really looking for the peace and solitude of it. You know? There is just something that is soothing about it. Thanks for the hugs! Eventually this season will pass.

  9. Lynne Ayers says:

    It’s good you were able to look beyond the ad frustrations and acknowledge what was at the core. I think that’s an important step – the loss doesn’t go away but it can be managed. As to the ad frustrations – whenever I am forced to call my internet provider, Sympatico, I have a melt down of major proportions. I have also been known to disappear into the woods at the back of the house and let out a primal scream … or two. So, Arnel, you are not alone.

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